Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
