I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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