so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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