There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
