Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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