So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize