Buhtt sex?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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