Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
