so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
