I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize