he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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