2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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