I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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