k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
