I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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