I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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