I puked a lego.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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