why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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