PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Randomize
