i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
