Well douche your snatch and let's go!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
