In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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