Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
