You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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