I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
pray to the hookup gods
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
