I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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