90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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