life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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