I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize