I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
