Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
