I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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