; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
