May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
