the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
