Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
