if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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