I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
