I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Floor bacon is actually really good
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
