he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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