Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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