Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
