My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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