you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My cat gives me a boner
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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