Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
