New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
