I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize