how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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