Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
