We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
