theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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