we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
