he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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