Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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